Former Aide: Trump Was Told Protesters Had Weapons On Jan. 6

Former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified Tuesday that despite Donald Trump being informed that the protesters outside the White House on Jan. 6 had weapons, he told officials to “let my people in” and march to the Capitol. What do you think? “Well, yeah, how else did he expect them to kill everyone?” Bill … Read more

The Onion Shares Its Social Media Guidelines For Reporters

Many of America’s lesser newsrooms have recently grappled with setting guidelines for reporters’ use of social media, wary of staffers expressing their personal beliefs and compromising their credibility in the eyes of the public. America’s Finest News Source is no different, and in the spirit of transparency, we are sharing The Onion’s social media guidelines … Read more

Migrant Imprisoned At Border Should Weep In English

SIERRA BLANCA, TX—Expressing annoyance that the detainee did not even appear to be making the effort, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Jonathan Pena confirmed Wednesday that a migrant in his custody could at least weep in English. “You may be detained in squalid conditions, but you’re in squalid conditions in the America, pal—and in … Read more

Pete Buttigieg’s Locomotive Always Taking Up 2 Whole Parking Spots

WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two; I don’t care how big your vehicle is,” said Regina Merrill, one of many DOT employees who told reporters that Buttigieg … Read more

Americans Discuss Whether Biden Should Run Again

With Joe Biden up for reelection in November, many are concerned about the president’s physical and mental fitness to serve another term. The Onion asked Americans if Biden should run again, and this is what they said. Patricia Foxman (Photographer) Patricia Foxman (Photographer) “He should. It’s in the American spirit to work until you die.” … Read more

Ghislaine Maxwell Receives Lighter Sentence For Years Of Dedicated Work With Children

NEW YORK—Sentenced to 20 years in prison, Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly received a lighter penalty Tuesday for her years of dedicated work with children. “Ms. Maxwell had very deep, personal ties with local children and shepherded them through a confusing system with a commitment few other mentors would,” said Judge Alison J. Nathan, who handed the … Read more

Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong To Renounce U.S. Citizenship Over Roe v. Wade Ruling

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong told a London concert audience that he will renounce his U.S. citizenship following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, and relocate to the U.K. What do you think? “Teenagers say a lot of things for shock value.” Curtis Holt, Compensator “You can’t match the U.K.’s record … Read more

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