Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion

CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest, most effective policing strategies to successfully avoid all punishment for their various crimes,” said Chicago Police Department spokeswoman Tanya Grisham, adding that the taxpayer-funded felony-avoidance course, which was an exact replica of the Cook County Circuit Court, would feature a real-life jury, press corps, and judge that trainees would have to convince of their innocence. “In today’s modern world, our police force needs to be ready and able to be absolved of any wrongdoing, whether it be shooting an unarmed civilian, trafficking drugs, or having sex with a minor. This replica will teach officers exactly how and when to cry, feign ignorance, and even falsify evidence related to their case. Because when it comes to their own exoneration, we can’t have police second-guessing themselves. They just have to instinctively do it.” At press time, Grisham added that after the course’s success, they’d also added a $10 million courthouse protest replica where officers could practice beating hundreds of live demonstrators after an acquittal.

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